Author: Mara Ellison
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Why Software Engineering Can Start Feeling Like You’re Just Passing Time
I stay busy all day, but very little of it feels directional. The hours fill up, but they don’t accumulate. This wasn’t stagnation — it was motion without a felt sense of progress. The…
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When You Start Questioning If Academia Was a Mistake
I noticed it when doubt stopped feeling temporary. The question didn’t demand attention—it waited. Questioning the path didn’t mean I lacked commitment—it meant something no longer aligned. Early on, doubt felt situational. A rough…
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When Software Engineering Starts Feeling Like Holding Your Breath
I didn’t realize how tense I’d become until I noticed how rarely I exhaled during the day. I keep myself steady by staying slightly braced. This wasn’t anxiety — it was vigilance becoming normal.…
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Why Academic Mentorship Can Feel So Uneven
I noticed it when I stopped knowing what to expect from meetings. Guidance felt intermittent rather than steady. The difficulty wasn’t lack of care—it was unpredictability. Early on, mentorship felt promising. There were check-ins,…
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Why Software Engineering Can Feel Like You’re Just Maintaining Your Own Career
I don’t just maintain systems anymore. I maintain my place within them. The work never ends because my relevance can’t slip. This wasn’t ambition — it was upkeep becoming personal. The job doesn’t explicitly…
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When the Academic Job Market Starts Feeling Hopeless
I noticed it when planning stopped feeling useful. The future stopped responding to preparation. Hopelessness didn’t arrive as despair—it arrived as stalled expectation. Early on, the job market felt distant. Something to think about…
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When Software Engineering Stops Feeling Like a Craft
I used to think about the work as something I was building. Now it feels like something I’m processing. The work still functions, but it no longer feels crafted. This wasn’t about skill fading…
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Why Academic Comparison Is So Hard to Escape
I noticed it when other people’s updates started affecting my mood. I wasn’t competing—I was constantly measuring. Comparison didn’t start as insecurity—it became a habit shaped by proximity. Early on, comparison felt occasional. A…
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Why Software Engineering Can Start Feeling Like Endurance, Not Engagement
I don’t wake up curious about the day’s work. I wake up ready to get through it. The job stopped asking for interest and started asking for staying power. This wasn’t apathy — it…
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When Teaching Starts Feeling Like a Distraction
I noticed it when teaching days started to feel heavier than research days. Teaching wasn’t hard—it was costly. The strain didn’t come from teaching itself—it came from what it pulled me away from. Early…