Author: Mara Ellison
-
Why Writing Code All Day Can Feel Emotionally Flat
I can spend an entire day writing code and finish it without any strong feeling attached. The work holds my focus, not my emotion. This wasn’t detachment by choice — it was feeling slowly…
-
When My Worth Started Feeling Tied to Citations
I noticed it when I checked citations before rereading my own work. The number felt heavier than the ideas. My sense of worth didn’t collapse overnight—it slowly relocated. At the beginning, citations felt abstract.…
-
When Software Engineering Pays Well but Costs You Motivation
The paycheck still lands exactly when it’s supposed to. The motivation doesn’t. I’m rewarded reliably, but rarely moved. This wasn’t laziness — it was motivation losing its footing inside comfort. The work remains stable.…
-
Why Publishing Never Feels Like Enough
I noticed it after my first real publication. The relief I expected never arrived. Publishing didn’t settle the pressure—it reset it. At the beginning, publishing felt aspirational. Something distant, tied to legitimacy and arrival.…
-
The Mental Fatigue of Always Optimizing Code and Yourself
I didn’t feel pushed. I felt continuously adjusted. There was always something that could be slightly better — including me. This wasn’t overwork — it was the fatigue of never being finished. The code…
-
Why I Feel Mentally Drained After “Light” Academic Work
I started noticing it on days that were supposed to be easy. The workload looked light, but the exhaustion didn’t match. Feeling drained after small tasks didn’t mean I was fragile—it meant the work…
-
When Tech Work Becomes Abstract and Hard to Care About
The work didn’t become harder. It became farther away. I used to feel the problem in my hands. Now I mostly feel it in a diagram. This wasn’t about intelligence — it was about…
-
How Academia Turns Passion Into Pressure
I noticed it when enthusiasm stopped feeling generous. What once energized me started to feel accounted for. Passion didn’t disappear—it changed how it was used. At the beginning, caring felt voluntary. I read more…
-
Why Software Engineers Feel Replaceable Over Time
I used to feel distinct inside the work, like my presence changed something in a way that mattered. Now it feels like the role exists more clearly than the person inside it. This wasn’t…
-
When Intellectual Curiosity Turns Into Obligation
I noticed it when curiosity stopped feeling optional. What once pulled me in started pushing me forward. Curiosity didn’t disappear—it changed roles. Early on, questions arrived naturally. I followed them because I wanted to…