Author: Mara Ellison
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How Constant Evaluation Wears You Down in Academia
I started noticing it in small ways—how I framed ideas, how carefully I spoke, how often I edited myself. Nothing ever felt fully off the record. This wasn’t anxiety out of nowhere—it was the…
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The Loneliness of Being a Senior Software Engineer
I didn’t expect seniority to feel isolating. I assumed it would feel collaborative in a different way. The room got quieter the more responsibility I carried. This wasn’t about being unsupported — it was…
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When Loving Research Isn’t Enough Anymore
I noticed it when enthusiasm stopped translating into energy. I could care deeply and still feel depleted. Loving the work didn’t protect me from how much it was asking over time. Early on, interest…
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When I Realized Software Engineering Was Draining Me
I didn’t come home depleted in an obvious way. I just came home with less to give than I used to. Nothing in my day felt heavy — and that’s what made it hard…
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Why Academic Burnout Feels Different From Regular Burnout
I didn’t feel overwhelmed in the usual way. I felt continuously engaged, without any place to land. This wasn’t burnout from doing too much at once—it was burnout from never fully being done. In…
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Why Tech Jobs Can Feel Soulless Even at the Top
I reached the level I used to imagine would make the work feel complete. Instead, it felt thinner than before. The view improved, but the work lost its depth. This wasn’t dissatisfaction with success…
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When Progress in My PhD Feels Invisible
I kept a running list of what I’d done each day, hoping it would add up to something tangible. The list grew, but the sense of progress didn’t. Feeling stalled didn’t mean I wasn’t…
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When Software Engineering Turns Into Maintenance Instead of Creation
I didn’t realize when the work stopped being about making something new and started being about keeping something alive. Most of my effort now goes toward preventing change rather than creating it. This wasn’t…
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What No One Warned Me About PhD Burnout
I didn’t notice burnout when I was overwhelmed. I noticed it when everything felt flat. This wasn’t a failure to cope—it was the cost of sustaining intensity without relief. In the early years, tiredness…
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The Emotional Cost of Staying in Software Engineering Too Long
I didn’t stay because I loved the work. I stayed because nothing pushed hard enough for me to leave. Stability made the decision for me long before I realized one was being made. This…