Author: Mara Ellison
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Why Academia Made Me Doubt My Intelligence
I used to trust my thinking. Somewhere along the way, that trust eroded. Doubting my intelligence wasn’t a sudden collapse—it was the result of repeated, subtle signals. At first, feedback felt helpful. Comments pointed…
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When Tech Work Loses Its Meaning Over Time
The work didn’t collapse or betray me. It simply kept going while my connection to it slowly loosened. I stayed productive long after I stopped feeling oriented. This wasn’t disinterest — it was a…
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When My Advisor’s Expectations Became Too Much
I remember the moment I stopped feeling oriented and started feeling managed. What was meant to guide me began to quietly define me. This didn’t mean my advisor was wrong—it meant the expectations had…
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Why Software Engineers Feel Trapped by High Salaries
The salary was supposed to mean freedom. Instead, it slowly redrew the edges of what felt possible. The more I earned, the fewer options felt reasonable. This wasn’t greed — it was the quiet…
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The Pressure to Publish as a Graduate Student
The Pressure to Publish as a Graduate Student I first noticed the pressure when finishing something stopped feeling like finishing. A draft got completed, comments got addressed, a submission finally went out, and instead…
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When Coding Became More About Meetings Than Building
There was a time when my calendar felt like a container around the work. Now it feels like the work itself. I can finish a full day and realize I built nothing except alignment.…
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Why I Feel Guilty for Wanting a Life Outside My PhD
I noticed the guilt most clearly when I wasn’t working. Even rest felt like something I had to justify. Wanting a life outside my PhD didn’t mean I cared less—it meant the work had…
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The Quiet Burnout of High-Paid Software Developers
I wouldn’t have called it burnout at first. I was still focused, still reliable, still doing exactly what was expected of me. Nothing felt urgent enough to name what was happening. This wasn’t exhaustion…
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When Research Starts Feeling Pointless
I still did the work every day—read the papers, ran the analyses, took notes like I always had. The routine stayed intact even as the meaning thinned out. This wasn’t apathy—it was the slow…
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When Being a Software Engineer Started Feeling Pointless
The feeling didn’t arrive as a crisis. It showed up as a question I kept postponing because nothing around me demanded an answer. I kept doing the work because there was no clear reason…