Author: Mara Ellison
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The Emotional Cost of Writing a Dissertation
I didn’t struggle with writing because I didn’t know what to say. I struggled because saying it felt like exposing something unfinished in me. This wasn’t a problem of discipline—it was the weight of…
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Why Writing Code Feels Empty Even With a Great Salary
The salary arrived before the emptiness did. At first, it felt like proof that the work mattered, that the long hours and mental load were justified. The paycheck kept growing while my attachment to…
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Why My PhD Made Me Feel Isolated From Everyone Else
I noticed it first in casual conversations, when I struggled to explain what I was working on without watching interest fade. It felt like my life had become untranslatable. This sense of distance wasn’t…
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When Software Engineering Stopped Feeling Creative
I didn’t lose creativity all at once. It faded quietly, somewhere between refactors that never shipped and features that existed mostly to satisfy a roadmap. I was still building things, but none of them…
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When Being a PhD Student Stops Feeling Worth It
I used to measure my progress in small victories—finishing a chapter, surviving a committee meeting, getting through a week without feeling behind. At some point, even the wins stopped landing. This didn’t mean I…
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When Writing Code Started Feeling Like I Was Just Maintaining Momentum
I didn’t notice the shift all at once. It crept in quietly, somewhere between the stock refreshes and the sprint planning, when the work stopped feeling difficult and started feeling endless. I kept waiting…
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The Emotional Weight of Social Work That No One Prepares You For
This pillar holds the quieter reality of social work — the parts that don’t fit into job descriptions, supervision notes, or end-of-day summaries. It traces how emotionally heavy work settles into the body, the…
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The Quiet Endurance of Emotional Weight That Never Fully Leaves
I didn’t expect the emotional weight of this work to become a lifelong companion — not in a dramatic, unforgettable event, but in the way small moments continue to gently press against my inner…
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Why Apologies Stayed With Me Longer Than Accomplishments:
It wasn’t the successes I replayed at night — it was the moments when I thought I could have done better, said things differently, or eased someone’s pain more than I did. The emotional…
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When I Realized I Was Carrying Emotional Baggage From Cases Home:
It started as small moments of tension that outlasted the workday — a phrase that hovered in my mind, a feeling that stayed in my chest — and gradually I recognized that I was…